Living abroad, with hardly a soul you have known more than 4 months, is hard. One moment, I feel completely blessed and fortunate to have met such awesome people here and to have learned so much, and other days I feel stuck in a cold (literally) and foreign country away from the people I love. I guess in many ways that is life, but things seem a bit exagerated here.
I am not really enjoying singing much. I sometimes feel I have completely destabilized my voice, which I know ultimately will allow me to rebuild without so much artificial control. However, away from my normal supports and encouragement, I have honestly been wondering a bit what I am doing singing.
I have been thinking a lot lately about pride. What I do and what I believe from religion to music and how it relates to my pride.
Redlands may be just what I need next year. I don't imagine I will be stable from top to bottom in 6 months which makes me think a program really isn't important for me at this point. CCM has an amazing program, but if I am not able to sing full roles healthily and correctly, I don't think it would do me much good. However, I will still need a good voice teacher who truly supports me and makes me a priority. I shouldn't feel like I need to apologize when we schedule a lesson. I don't think that it shold be a voice teachers job to feed a singers-selfesteem, but they should be a friendly and encouraging companion. Simple math coupled with German culture seems to be obscuring that in my life at this moment. I don't think that would be the case with Sahuc (my potential teacher at Redlands).
Plus, I am in love. I mean I got it bad. and (when I am 1000's of miles away) that ain't good. I have long known that my career in music can't ultimately make me happy, and that I would make sacrifices some day for happiness. This year has been for me and without sacrifice and I find on the whole that something is missing. I just didn't think I would be ready to sacrifice so soon. However, I honestly am coming to think that Redlands really would be best for me. I can tune pianos and have a network in music already. Plus, with our currently unpredictable economy, the potential to live at home really is a good safety net.
The biggest downside to all of this, seems to be my pride. That is a terrible reason.
I will be singing Herr Reich in the Opera School production of the Merry Wives next semester and I actually am a little sad to give up that much time. However, I know I would regret it if I did not take part. In fact, it may be just what I need.
Still, daily life here is simply tiring. I feel like I am just waiting....which is a terrible way to live.
On a happy note...this comes after perhaps my two best weeks here. I really have bonded with my roommates and got to see all my amazing Fulbright friends. I also got to meet up with an old friend from highschool who I connected surprisingly well with.
No matter what my temporary outlook and current emotional swing....I am learning a ton.
This has ended up being a more personal post than I anticipated...oh well...haha
The picture is of my flat. My apartment is the second building from the left with a slightly darker ground floor. My window is the one furthest to the left. I often wake up to Italian or Turkish outside my window. My flat is in Neckarstadt, a portion of town with a rep for being mostly immigrants and it is mostly true. All in all, I think it is quite nice despite its accompanying rep for being dangerous. The wind smells most days of burnt chocolate from the factory over the neckar. I always imagined I would see Heidelberg again. I never thought I would live 20 km away for a year.
2 comments:
Keith,
I hear you, buddy. I have ups and downs almost on an hourly basis here. I think that's part of the whole experience, and finding our way. If it felt comfortable all the time, it probably would mean that we're not pushing ourselves to do the most that we are capable of, and I know that is not what we are all about!
Try to take things one day at a time (I know how hard that must be when you are missing your lady so much...I cannot really empathize with that anymore, unfortunately =P) and remember that, for better or worse, this is temporary. I think that is part of the beauty of this experience - no matter how awful or how wonderful it is, it will last just a year. Therefore, I have been trying to take pleasure in really simple things lately, like having a cup of tea in the middle of a crazy day, or taking in the fact that billboards aren't in English. And the Weihnachtsmarkts! How much will we both be missing the fact that we can't just take a bus downtown and get some delicious Glühwein in an adorable German Christmas market?
I guess I'm not really giving you any real advice here, but just letting you know that I can relate to your sentiments. Hang in there buddy! (Oh, and I hope that you are joining the rest of us in München next weekend, because the prospect of continuing the Fulbright lovefest that was Thanksgiving has me so excited I can't even sit still.)
Cheers,
Ashlan
Thanks Ashlan.
Thanks for your message :-) I really am happier here than I have been since Marburg. I figured it was just good to capture one of the lower swings as well. There really is so much here to appreciate and simply enjoy the novelty of.
Unfortunately I will be in London when you all meet in München...bother. But I will be sending love waves your way! haha.
BTW, your flat is awesome. I am so glad that worked out in the end for you. You deserve a good home for the year.
Best wishes :-)
Keith
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